


nothing but my feelings

by sunnysidechen



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Fluff, M/M, Past Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen, Pining, Smut, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28452627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnysidechen/pseuds/sunnysidechen
Summary: it all started when kyungsoo knew it shouldn't.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongdae | Chen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	nothing but my feelings

**Author's Note:**

> happy kyungsoo day!  
> i love u my soo-bear... i love u and chensoo so much !!!
> 
> i enjoyed writing this fic since it's... i wouldn't say lighthearted, but not heavy i guess LOL wrote this in 2 days??? a little less?? a little more??? 
> 
> please enjoy!!! kudos & comments appreciated <3
> 
> p.s. title of the fic is a song title from one of my favourite, more recent songs 'nothing but my feelings' by little mix!!

_**it all started when kyungsoo knew it shouldn't.** _

what this means is that when his long-time best friend introduces a new guy at his birthday party as his _boyfriend_ , kyungsoo shouldn't have ever even given it a fleeting thought.

"jongdae, friends. friends, jongdae," baekhyun had said, and they all said hi to each other.

the first thing kyungsoo notices about the older man is his lips. yes, _inappropriate_ , he knows, but the kitten-like curls at both ends of his lips are very hard to miss, and they're really pretty too, just like the man himself.

the second thing he notices is the smile. yes, the lips... again, but baekhyun's boyfriend's smile is mesmerizing enough that he knows his eyes had taken a little too long to linger at the sight, but he eventually pulls away and says hi. 

there are many things he notices after that fateful meeting; like the way jongdae laughs so wholeheartedly, the way his eyes and ears are so attentive to the person who was talking, and it feels like he genuinely cares about you. the way he treats baekhyun with so much love and sincerity, that kyungsoo's almost jealous (he is). when he comes by to surprise baekhyun with flowers in between classes, or when he buys coffee not only for his boyfriend, but for his best friend as well (jongdae even remembered kyungsoo's order to the t; even baekhyun doesn't). whatever he does makes kyungsoo unknowingly green with envy that it's not him he's doing to, but he can't be mad at baekhyun because 

  1. jongdae is baekhyun's boyfriend.
  2. jongdae treats kyungsoo very well too.
  3. jongdae isn't kyungsoo's boyfriend.



he's not jealous of his best friend, kyungsoo would always tell himself. he's just jealous that his best friend had someone who loved and cared for him so much like this, and kyungsoo just wants a kim jongdae in his life too. but not kim jongdae himself, of course. don't be silly. that's all that is to it. kyungsoo's just jealous his best friend is a relationship with the most amazing man he's ever met.

_(but maybe he wishes it was him instead.)_

* * *

like baekhyun, jongdae has also become a constant in kyungsoo's life. wherever baekhyun was, jongdae's there too. and so will kyungsoo. it's funny really, how they became a trio and that two of them were a couple, so surely, kyungsoo is the ultimate, pathetic third wheel... right?

sure, but here's the twist.

baekhyun did make kyungsoo feel like a third wheel.

jongdae?

jongdae _didn't_. never did he ever make kyungsoo feel like the unwanted extra walking in the background. no, jongdae makes him feel included, like the three of them are only best friends, nothing less or more. really, it was almost inevitable not to fall in love with him there and then, but kyungsoo reminds him of point number 3. 

_jongdae isn't kyungsoo's boyfriend._

and he should continue to remind himself of it, as depressing as it makes him feel.

* * *

jongdae becomes the highlight of kyungsoo's days.

he makes college bearable, with his lame, stupid, corny jokes that kyungsoo secretly loves so much (but he swears to the older man he doesn't!) and the laughter he hears from the former after those lame, stupid, corny jokes.

"what do you call a sad cup of coffee?" jongdae asks as he sets down an ice cold americano in front of the younger. "depresso."

"you got that right." kyungsoo sighs as he takes a sip, "thank you, hyung." he spots the third cup in question, not coffee, but a matcha frappe, and that's definitely only for one other person.

"hey babe."

"hey." they both leaned into each other for a (little long) kiss, and kyungsoo awkwardly looks away.

"hey, soo-bear~"

"don't call me that."

"you're really no fun," baekhyun complained, putting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder and hugging him around the waist.

"don't call him that. kyungsoo's plenty of fun, just not your type of fun. that's why you're both best friends."

"because opposites attract?"

"yes, baby," jongdae chuckles at how cute the oldest is being, "opposites do attract."

kyungsoo feels a little left out right at that moment, and focuses his attention on the delicious, bitter drink.

 _jongdae isn't your boyfriend, kyungsoo._ he reminds himself one more time as the couple starts becoming lovey-dovey and he feels uninvited... unwanted.

"i should go."

"what? soo! we're here to study with you!" baekhyun whines, "i don't study! but i will just for you!"

"yeah, because i feel like i'm gatecrashing your date," kyungsoo didn't mean to sound so snarky, petty, jealous. but he sure is feeling like the unfortunate third wheel, and it doesn't make him feel good.

jongdae's face falls,"soo..."

he still feels bad about his remark though, so kyungsoo apologises. "i'll just go, okay? don't worry about me." he's already packed up anyway, and he leaves the cafe. nothing was mentioned about how the trio were barely 30 minutes into the study session.

* * *

"soo?" kyungsoo snaps out of his thoughts and looks at the other man. he tilts his head in question.

"baek wants me to meet him at the cafe in town. will you be alright on your own?"

ah, at this point of time, the couple had been dating for around a year already. they are still going strong, but neither of them can ignore how baekhyun is now always somewhere else, and kyungsoo would always be with jongdae. of course the youngest has no complaints, but really, he couldn't ignore _it_ either _._

kyungsoo nods and jongdae starts packing his bag.

"text me when you're back home, okay? don't stay out too late~" he waves the younger goodbye and soon, kyungsoo sees jongdae's retreating back out the doors of the library.

kyungsoo's heart is feeling too much, it makes him overwhelmed.

his heart feels so full whenever he's with jongdae, but when the latter leaves, it feels empty, sad. it makes kyungsoo feel... _lonely_.

his heart would feel so happy yet sad at the same time; he's happy to be with jongdae, but sad that he couldn't be with him the way he wants to be.

kyungsoo does text him when he reached home, but hadn't expected the reply he received.

_'baek and i broke up.'_

* * *

"hey do." kyungsoo looks up as he sees jongdae sitting down opposite him, "chem?"

"yes."

jongdae sighs as he pulls his bag forward and takes out his own set of studying materials, "i don't know how you can tolerate the sciences." after fully settling down only does he realise the look the younger is giving him. "why are you looking at me like that?"

"um... i just didn't think that you would come after... after last night?"

"why not?"

"i... didn't think you would still want to come since... i'm your ex's best friend? and also, um... wouldn't you be nursing a broken heart right now?"

jongdae laughs loudly as he replies, "soo. you're my best friend too. just because we aren't dating anymore, doesn't mean i don't want to hang out with you. i'm really glad we met because you're a really good friend."

 _friend_. ouch.

"besides, it was a long time coming... i can't explain to you now but maybe one day? the break-up is very mutual. we both wanted it like i said, _for a long time_ , but we were just too cowardly to bring it up. we decided we'd rather be friends. and broken hearts? never heard of them." jongdae chuckles again, "again, we both wanted this so rather than feel sad, i'm relieved actually. like a burden off my shoulders."

kyungsoo didn't expect any of that, so it took him a while to recollect his thoughts.

"oh. okay." nice, do kyungsoo, nice.

truthfully, he didn't know what to feel. relieved that jongdae's finally single again? happy? now he can finally shoot his shot!

but... he couldn't possibly do that to his own best friend. heck, he doesn't know whether jongdae feels the same way. plus, they just got out of the relationship. he doesn't want to dive right in while it's still fresh, nor does he want to be the unfortunate rebound. he wants to be with jongdae sincerely, and that's surely going to take time. he's worth it though, kyungsoo knows he is.

* * *

jongdae and kyungsoo both decided to have a greasy night in; burgers, fries, chicken... yes, that can only mean one thing. it was the end of finals. it had a been a gruesome few weeks, but they survived... barely. baekhyun was invited, but he had a date with someone called minseok that he met at a party. jongdae and kyungsoo were not partying people, so they had always skipped on the parties that the oldest loves to attend. instead, they'd rather have nights like these. even sitting near each other and doing their own things was much better than partying. they spend so much time together that they have their own drawers and toothbrushes at each other's places too.

"you have some..." kyungsoo uses his knuckle to wipe off the tartar sauce from jongdae's beautiful kitten-curl, and licks it clean.

"thanks, soo." jongdae speaks up again awhile later, "hey, are you interested in anyone?" 

the younger man was very lucky he wasn't consuming anything, or he would've choked.

"um..."

"oh my god, you do! you don't have to tell me who it is, but i want you to be happy, soo."

"thanks...?" kyungsoo didn't know what to answer to that.

"you should like you know... you don't have to hang out with sad, lonely me all the time. why don't you pursue the one you like?"

"it's... it's not easy? and it's not the right time."

"right time? there's never a right time for anything."

"this one is. i think... just... i don't think i can ever do it."

"why not?"

"because... it's not right."

"the right time?"

"it's just... not right. morally." jongdae seems very confused, but decided to let it go when he realizes kyungsoo doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

"hey, don't worry, okay? you'll always have me. two, sad lonely single men." kyungsoo can only smile half-heartedly.

* * *

 _'fuck, this is shit.'_ kyungsoo grimaced at the drink in his hand and throws it out. unfortunately, he had to attend this party because well... it's his own birthday party. baekhyun always loved to organise surprise parties (eventually, not as surprising anymore), and kyungsoo would always indulge his best friend.

"birthday boy? what are you doing here in the corner?" jongdae comes up smiling, and he looks beautiful, as always.

"just... hanging around."

"come, let me introduce you to some of my friends! let loose, soo, it's your birthday after all!"

a couple of games and a few drinks later, kyungsoo's starting to feel lightheaded.

it didn't help that the last game was truth or dare.

_"i dare you to kiss jongin."_

_"gross. dae-hyung's like my brother!"_

_"a dare is a dare, nini. come on, jongdae, pucker up."_ _kyungsoo looks away._

"soo, you alright?" his mind may be a little hazy, but kyungsoo could never mistake the voice of an angel (jongdae).

"i... i wanna go home..." he's not drunk, he just feels awful and badly wants to go home. partying isn't his scene after all.

"okay, i'll bring you home. just hang in there, i need to tell baek."

it feels like a million years when someone finally comes for the birthday boy in the corner.

"we haven't even had cake yet~" _baekhyun_.

"i don't feel too good."

"it was the kiss, isn't it?" kyungsoo avoids his best friend's eyes. "soo. _go for it_."

_huh?_

"jongdae. i know you like him."

_how... how did he know?_

"i can't do that to you,” he admits sadly.

"i know you won't, so now i'm telling you that you _can_. you've been feeling this way for quite some time, huh? you never did need any, but i'm giving you permission."

kyungsoo's shoulder drops in relief, and he finally looks at his friend, "i'm sorry."

"hey, nothing to be sorry for. it's your own feelings, and you can't control them."

"i don't even know if he feels the same way."

"ah, you two are really blind~" baekhyun teases, and just then, jongdae comes back.

"let's go, soo? remember to save some cake for us, baek."

"no promises. drive safe, okay? text me when you get to soo's." jongdae nods as they both helped kyungsoo up.

"come on, big boy. time to go home."

* * *

"'m not drunk. i can stand up just fine."

"okay." jongdae lets kyungsoo go, and the latter did manage himself just fine, but only for a couple of seconds before he almost fall flat.

"maybe not." jongdae chuckles as he held the younger man up.

"you didn't even drink much." kyungsoo only shrugs at that.

they ended up at kyungsoo's apartment and only managed to the couch before they both collapsed on it. 

"let's get you cleaned up before going to bed, okay?" kyungsoo nods his head. they waited a while before the older man decided it was enough resting before pulling kyungsoo up. they brush their teeth and washed up before finally lying down on the bed.

"stay. it's late."

"okay, i'll take the couch."

"no. with me..." kyungsoo whispers, already half asleep, "bed's big."

"you sure?" they don't usually have sleepovers, and when they do, they had accidentally slept through the night on the couch together. but never on the same bed.

"yeah. come. 'm tired." jongdae smiles at the sleepy kyungsoo; a very amusing sight, and lies down beside him.

"you're adorable."

"'m not." a huge sigh leaves his heart-shaped lips as he closes his eyes.

"soo."

kyungsoo hums, to show he's still awake.

**_"i really like you."_ **

and now the younger's wide awake.

"wh-?"

"that's why we broke up. baekhyun knew my feelings for him... they aren't there anymore."

kyungsoo blinks comically, which cause jongdae to chuckle.

"did he tell you to 'go for it'?" kyungsoo nods, still a little in disbelief.

"i..."

"oh god, please tell me you feel the same way and i didn't just freak you out."

and instead of saying anything, since words were not something he's good at, kyungsoo does something he's alright in.

he crashes their lips together, in hopes it was enough of a reply.

_'i really like you too.'_

"happy birthday, soo."

* * *

"i knew you were in love with my then-boyfriend the very second i introduced him to you."

"baek..."

"i really do appreciate that you respected our relationship. i'm not mad. happy actually, that you guys are together now."

"i never... i never wanted it to seem like i stole him from you."

baekhyun laughs, "i never thought about it that way! honestly? i think you would make a much better boyfriend to him than i ever was. jongdae and i... we were never going to last, we both knew that. he fell in love with you too. i don't think we were ever in, in love with each other, and like i said, we weren't going to last."

"and you think we will?"

"i _know_ we will," jongdae says from behind as he tilts his boyfriend's head up and gives him a kiss.

"gross." minseok comes around and gives a kiss to his now-boyfriend, baekhyun, too.

" _gross_ ," jongdae imitates him and sits down beside kyungsoo. "hi, baby. how were your classes?" 

kyungsoo has never been more in love than he is now. and to think, just a couple of months ago, he was still hopelessly pining and in love with jongdae.

yes, the 'l' word was uttered after a very long two days without each other, too busy with school to properly hang out with each other. they crashed into each other as soon as jongdae opens the door for kyungsoo, and as they lazily make out, they both recited the big three words, "i love you."

"good. i got an a on the test i was cramming the other day."

"you deserve it." jongdae kisses his nose, leaning in, whispering "i'll reward you later..."

"okay, guys, please keep it pg. there's a kid right here," minseok says, pointing to his own boyfriend who smacked him.

"you guys are worse. remember when we caught you guys half-nak-"

"okay, point taken, soo."

jongdae chuckles and places another kiss on kyungsoo's temple, always so obviously proud of his boyfriend.

"you guys are made for each other," baekhyun scrunches up his face, "the next thing we know you two would've probably eloped in a small church somewhere."

"that's the plan." jongdae stuck out his tongue, and baekhyun does the same. their boyfriends only rolled their eyes; this was a daily occurrence.

"delicious?" kyungsoo nods. the reward jongdae was referring to was good korean bbq that they frequent too. he loves seeing his younger boyfriend eating so well; kyungsoo does have a passion in food, so if he likes the food, it means the food's really good. also he just loves seeing his boyfriend eat. he's a _simp_ (baekhyun taught him this word) for kyungsoo, that's for sure.

he continues cooking and feeding kyungsoo, age hierarchy be damned, since the younger had a particularly hard week, and he deserves it.

"soo."

"mmm?"

jongdae has had this question on his mind for weeks. since they don't live together, they don't see each other much when they're busy. he worries a lot about the younger; when kyungsoo would take a long while to reply, and jongdae would worry whether he's studying too much or sleeping and eating too little. he was nervous to ask though, not knowing whether they're on the same page about it. it's completely alright if they aren't though.

"do you... do you want to move in with me?"

kyungsoo chokes on a piece of garlic, and jongdae rushes to place his cup of water onto his lips, ignoring how his nerves quickly changed to disappointment.

"you want to... live together?"

"only if you want to! i don't want to force anything on you, baby." jongdae straightens his back, "i know we've only been dating for a couple of months, but i just worry about you a lot. ah, i sound a little controlling..."

"no, no, hyung. i want us to live together."

jongdae widens his eyes, "r...really?"

"yes. i miss you too much during the weekdays and i would honestly love to come home to you rather than to an empty house. so... yours or mine?"

* * *

they move into jongdae's apartment; slightly bigger but much more convenient to school and a lot of other places. they upgraded the bed, reorganised the extra room so they both could use it and christened the whole apartment before they had their official housewarming party.

"serious question: have you guys eloped yet?"

jongdae rolls his eyes, as kyungsoo nods seriously.

"SERIOUSLY?! i fucking told you, minnie. pay up!"

"you bet on us?"

"of course we did. you guys have really boring lives so when something exciting happens..." minseok trails off, shrugging as he goes to pull out his wallet.

kyungsoo and jongdae looked at each other - not knowing whether to come clean or not, but when they see minseok's face as baekhyun kisses him senseless after he receives his money, they think it's fine to live in a white, harmless lie.

_"you guys aren't married, are you?"_

_"no."_

_minseok sighs, "don't tell him that though. just let him believe it."_

_"we know."_

"do you want it?"

"what?" kyungsoo hangs the towel up in the washroom before coming out to lay beside jongdae later that night.

"to get married? do you... want to get married one day?"

"of course. one day, like in a few years. not now, though."

"yeah, me too. i also want to have my own children."

"adopting?"

"anything's fine as long as the baby or child is healthy."

"that's nice. you'd make an amazing dad."

"you too. maybe one day we could be great fathers together."

"maybe. that sounds nice," kyungsoo smiles as he leans forward to press a quick kiss against jongdae's lips.

"i love you."

"i love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me on [twt](https://twitter.com/sunnysidechen) or leave me [questions](https://curiouscat.me/sunnysidechen)!


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